Saying this

Something from a novel I read.....of course a good and famous one....gave me the feel of me..and so I thought of putting it as is...if people would want to get some sense out of it.."You'd rather not hear it now? But I want you to hear it. We never need to say anything to each other when we're together. This is--for the time when we won't be together. I love you. As selfishly as my lungs breathe air. I breathe for my own necessity, for the fuel of my body, for my survival............."

Spices and Grandpa :)

Strange how certain things make us go down memory lane and bring back memories long forgotten. May be we never stopped by, to think of them as we ran chasing life's everchanging priorities.........or may be we just don't find ourselves with time enough to p onder over these anymore. Happened to visit a friend the other day. As I got out of the lift and moved towards her house, there was this aroma of spices floating in the air. No! nothing special about the spices or the aura it spread. I could not even trace where it was coming from, for the aroma of spices wasn't in my mind then.......I was thinking of my grand dad. Any guesses why?? Most of my childhood memories are filled with days spent at my grandparents house. Since my grandma died pretty early, my grand dad managed on his own.......atleast cooking. My mind drifted back to those good old days......bringing a flood of memories....the tantrums I would throw.....And I was with my grandpa again......I am visiting him after school like I do every weekend and the house is filled with food being cooked.......there was variety everytime I visited him. He would cook delicacies for me ........puddings and pies!! But this is the flavour that still remains in my memory....... fresh as it were just yesterday that I was with him......My grandpa loved me :) Since I was his first grandchild, I was a favorite. He is no more.........it's been so many years now..........I lost him when I wasn't even eight. But I am now even more certain I love him.......I am so sure I do............else what happened, would not have. Even after twenty years of his death he still lives with me in my heart. Till this happened I had never known life has a way of making you feel special even by the tiniest of things.

My wish

Why are things around me so sordid.....It just makes me feel all the more worse. Was it not just yesterday that I leaped in joy and pride when I heard my friend is now a proud mother of a baby girl. How good it felt!! I called her up again today asking her for a treat and she sounds low. It didn't at all occur to me that something may be wrong with the baby. But sadly it was. The baby was suffering from blue baby syndrome...and the doctors have now operated on her...I visited her and saw the poor thing all covered with wires and machines. Life supporting machines and that too for a kid not even a month old.....will she survive? That's where my thoughts wander.....will she live to see this world.......but she should!! she has a right to live!! Now how do I face my friend.... a friend who is almost family now.......When I try and think back of one time we were not friends..I can't........we have been friends for so long now.....and I always thought I have been there to share her pain and sorrow and laugh along with her in her happiness.........How do I share her woes now. How do I help her get away with the agony that I see in her eyes........I can't!! I have not carved the baby in my womb.....she has...........and so no one can feel the way a mother would to see her child fighting for breath...........each breath...... which is artificial..........heart not functioning.....lungs not functioning the way it should!! Gosh!! it's difficult to even think of yourself in such a situation and now you have a new born striving to live.......I dont know what to say or do........and so I remain quiet for sometime and then I try and say a few words of wisdom.......I dont want to console her.....how can I even think of consoling her.....she does not need my condolences........she wants her baby to live...can I do that for her....Never!! so all I thought best to do is quietly pray for the well being of the baby.......If God really can let her live.....if miracles really happen.......God please grant me my wish!!

I am Sorry….

(Sorry For Not Being Woman Enough……… To carry a child!!!)

At the thought of giving birth
How I dwelt in mirth
Oh how my heart leapt with joy
At the thought whether a girl or a boy!

Once again I am deprived of motherhood
The essence of being a woman…....

I had started looking forward
To the day you would make me proud
But alas! That day will come no more
I was living in my own world
Till it shattered without a word

Once again I am left to destiny
Praying and craving in agony